Writing things down about yourself seems much easier in an informal way *cough* here *cough* than writing them out for official reasons. Why should you pick me? Why not, I would say, and laugh. But then I ask myself, why should they pick me?, and then I frown. I ask other people, and they say, Why not?, and they smile.
Confusion has been a great companion of mine. Although I never really invited it in, it came, and stuck, like a best bud it keeps walking with me. I am bullshitting on this site, when I should be bullshitting on a fancy red and silver one, designed with the simplistic ‘Times New Roman’ I would say…
And it dumps me in a vicious circle of thoughts, like a nightmare, my mind turns against me. I am questioning myself in a bad way, isn’t that something I was supposed to avoid when doing these things? Now I hate it, I just want to stay, and exist. I don’t need to go nowhere. But like everything else, being somewhere and doing something has become more of than a personal aspiration and wish. It is, once again, the thought of society. And don’t dare scream out ‘I don’t fucking care what they think’ because you do. You fucking do.
On another note, since I let some negative thoughts out of me, I was thinking about that silly love post I wrote 7 months ago. It got me thinking about what I actually feel at the moment, and realizing how much I’ve changed. I have grown exponentially persona-wise. But I still love. I still love that same person because that point marked the start of my growth. Heck, I shall stop thinking about that. It’s sad. Wasting my words here has done nothing good to me, so I should write more in my higher-academia-place essays.
I cannot express with words how much I want to yell out “I am going there”. But no matter what, I am going there.